First and foremost, let’s get straight into this matter. For it is a common and concerning one that we’re all likely to encounter at one point or another. Not just in fiction, but in real life.
You’ve heard of psychopaths and sociopaths, they’re all over the horror genre. They make horrific villains and killers for how merciless and destructive they are. However, what about mere narcissists? Aren’t they merciless and destructive too? In their own way, they are. Though there might not be any literal bloodshed.
Narcissists are mainly categorized as Overt Narcissists & Covert Narcissists. I’ve been saying for years that my biggest issue is with the covert ones. Much like cancer, they operate under the radar and, if you don’t take notice of them soon enough, the harm they do will be horrible. These are the mask wearers. In contrast, overt narcissists are louder and more obvious, so you can at least prepare against them or even avoid them altogether if possible right away. Their trespassings are also easier to pinpoint and bring consequences to. Covert narcissists, on the other hand, just by existing, force you to be skeptical of everyone you meet because anyone could be one.
Narcissism is a condition that affects a significant portion of the population. It is not rare. In fact, what is rare is meeting somebody completely and absolutely void of narcissism and narcissistic traits - for they are quite generable and contagious. You will find narcissists that are mostly harmless, because they were never significantly affected by it or because they became aware and conscious and made the firm decision to keep it under control or even overcome it. And you will find narcissists that are so incredibly harmful that it’d be baffling if they’re not already behind bars doing a life sentence. Additionally, there’s everything else in between.
If you are ever targeted and victimized by one, it can be profoundly confounding. You may ask yourself if there is something wrong with you and if this is something that you deserve. But chances are that it is not your fault at all. Narcissists look for a narcissistic supply. It might just be the case that you have something they want and you’re giving it to them. This can be attention, understanding, compassion, generosity, and more. All great things to be able to provide but tempting to take advantage of. You might also be amusing and entertaining to them, in which case they’d enjoy pushing your buttons to get as many different reactions from you, good or bad, as they can manage. Some people are naturally narcissist repellent and/or immune, while others may be narcissist magnets - and have to learn to take measures and change aspects of themselves so that it will no longer be such or so that they at least won’t be as vulnerable to them. It is a sad solution to the problem because it gradually makes the world less spontaneous and diverse along with making people refrain from freely being themselves. Yet, it is a practical way to survive while the issue remains and we must coexist with narcissists. And if not overdone, not much is lost. You can keep being a giving person to those who honor it and master the grey rock method to apply it when required.
Typically, covert narcissists have a few tactics that work for them until their masks start to crack and slip to reveal who they really are:
• They lovebomb you at the beginning. So you have to wonder if they’re delusionally falling for you or if they’re just trying to win you over.
• They lead you on. As though they’d fulfill your fantasies. So you have to watch if they intend to and are putting effort into it or if they just aim to keep you hanging and hoping.
• They string you along. So you have to question if waiting and following them around is merited or if they’re just doing what they please with no regard for your wants and needs.
• They breadcrumb you. So you have to observe if they’re too busy or tired, or somehow unable to do more, or if they’re just gladly keeping you around by doing less than the bare minimum.
• They make excuses. So you have to weigh if they’re valid or if they’re not making sense when considering various factors.
• They project onto you and accuse you. So you have to be clear about your flaws & shortcomings and whether you’re guilty of anything or see if they’re actually telling on themselves.
• They try to take away your power along with any source that grants you power. So you have to be strong or even resort to attitudes and assistance you wouldn’t have otherwise.
• They begin a smear campaign against you. So you have to be wise and only respond to it when necessary and productive and trust that those meant to be by your side will not be fooled by their lies.
And more…
Narcissists generally behave in such a manner because they have learned that this works for them. It gets them what they crave. And they will continue to polish and refine their strategies to make them more effective and infallible. In extreme cases, it is only when they are left without any more moves to make that they will stop. At that point, they may feel cornered, trapped, and as the victim. They may play the victim and indeed genuinely believe themselves to be, failing to acknowledge their wrongdoings and how their actions led them to where they are. Often, in a narcissist’s mind, the pain, hurt, and harm that they cause others do not register as important or even relevant - unless it will cut or diminish their supply. And unfortunately, many of them do not shy away from eliciting sympathy from others when in that state, making you out to be the monster.
Despite being familiar with narcissists and their existence, all of this may still come as a shocking surprise to people that do not operate and behave like them. It comes across as illogical and irrational, as something not to be expected. Because assuming that self-gain is their goal, or the furthering of whatever agenda they may have, it is absurd to “shit where you eat”. But although cleverness tends to be attributed to covert narcissists due to their scheming and cunning approaches, narcissists are driven and tainted by fear and lack, making their views and interpretations twisted and distorted. They are not particularly lucid and therefore self-sabotage. Sometimes you can even witness them jumping through hoops and hurdles with their manipulation when they could have gained the same or even more benefits if they had simply been sincere and decent. Regardless, they can get a thrill out of that maneuvering too. Ultimately, though, they are likely to have severe trust issues due to expecting others to be the same as them and frequently “confirm” this suspicion by turning others into enemies and making them play their game.
Handling a narcissist is a job for a qualified professional. For someone that not only has expertise in the area but also has the character and temperament to be able to withstand them without breaking in the process. It is a hard, difficult, and long task to bring a narcissist back to their senses and show them alternate ways of being that would still be genuine and rewarding for them - especially if they are not choosing that for themselves. Too many people allow being utterly destroyed by narcissists by erroneously believing that they can fix and heal them through their boundless love and understanding, opening themselves up to abuse, neglect, and exploitation. So be mindful of your limits and care for yourself. Nobody is worth that amount of self-sacrifice. Distance and moderate yourself as much as you need to.
Once exposed to the mistreatment of a narcissist, you’ll need to recover from their deeds. If you wait around for them to right their wrongs, you might be waiting forever. And this is one of the most infuriating aspects of them. It is not just the period they spend with you, f***ing you and your life up. There is also the period that comes afterward, when you have to fully wake up and open up your eyes, look at and pick up the mess, and undo as much as you can of all the mental and emotional damage they made - potentially reflecting physically and spiritually too. Good and great people will give you a hand with it, which will make you resent them more (even if the aid is gladly offered) for how far-reaching their actions are and how they got away with it.
Naturally, after something like this you may feel vindictive. Wishing for some sort of karma or justice to be made. The cruel truth is that it isn’t guaranteed. Less so immediately or exactly as you wish it. It is quite usual for awful people to go on with their merry lives despite the suffering they bring to others. But you can get to a point where it doesn’t bother you anymore and gain immense satisfaction and relief from that alone, no longer being at their mercy (or absence of it). Furthermore, some find solace in the knowledge that these people are missing out on some of the biggest joys in life that you get to rejoice in. Because for as long as they remain unchecked, they’ll be false, empty, and/or restless. Contrary to what the name seems to imply, they are usually pitiffuly insecure at their core.
Have you encountered narcissists? Are you narcissistic yourself? What are you doing about it?